Why I can't stop working (even during my gap year)

On not knowing the line between resting and being restless.

I’m doing everything I can not to start this post with some self-deprecating explanation or apology for how “badly” I’m handling my entrepreneur gap year. I’m sort of (trying to be) done saying sorry for everything.

As my mom would say, I didn’t figure out I was addicted to work as a way of busying myself on a Tuesday at 3:47pm. Instead, it revealed itself slowly, in little moments when I saw myself trying to avoid thinking too much about what’s happened to me.

It wasn’t like one day I just realized, “oh! I see why I post relentlessly, day in and day out, even if I’ve got to wipe the snot away from my face from crying so hard all day just to post it! It’s because I’m trying to distract myself! Problem solved.”

If only it were that easy.

No, instead, it started with a spark. A little ooooh, I feel myself reaching for my phone because I just remembered the time dad and I came to this park together and now he’s dead. Oh well, let’s scroll on Instagram!

I had zillions of those little moments, each one stretching a little longer until I reached for my pacii. As time went on, there were moments where I was able to feel myself instinctively reaching for a (usually digital) distraction tool, but instead chose to take a walk or chat with a friend. Sure, some of those walks included picking up my phone twenty two times to check if anyone had liked my post yet on Instagram, but I still walked. Yet there were others when I knew what I was doing (avoiding, distracting) and did it anyway. Sometimes you just need a good scroll.

I was (/am) still early on in this whole trying to detach from work and social media as my adult pacii when I decided earlier this year to take 2026 as my entrepreneur gap year.

best gap year addition: porch coffee in the mornings

And just like my meandering journey to detach myself from work, devices, and social media more, my entrepreneurial gap year journey has had more turns than the Pacific Coast Highway.

I’ve reached for my pacii more times than I can count. Typically re-downloading Instagram on my phone “just to see what’s going on in the DMs” or reaching out to my Director of Ops, Lindsey, with “just a little idea.”

Even though I hear this quiet voice in the back of my mind saying, you’re supposed to be off, it just feels too natural, too easy, to fall back to my old ways. One thing leads to another, and suddenly I’m teaching trainings, writing two newsletters a week, and doing podcast guest interviews all in a month where I’m supposed to be “off.”

“I’m not working in May,” I’ve told my friends. “I’m just teaching a training, working with a writing mentor, trying to grow my Substack, joining my weekly mastermind calls, and posting on Instagram stories sporadically.”

“That sounds like working,” said one of my friends who can tell me like it is. (We all need these friends, right?)

Whoops. Without even meaning to, I turned my time “off” into a normal person’s full-time job. It’s hard for me to figure out what being off, or slowing down, even looks like. My real full-time looks more like an F1 pit stop. To me this month feels like retirement, yet to my friends it looks like full-time work.

honestly, I just wanted to show you my new shoes that I love so much 🐚

As I told my friend, Shawn Blanc, the other day, the other issue is that I really love what I do. Not just selling legal templates, but writing my business newsletter, recording episodes for my podcast, getting interviewed on other people’s podcasts, etc. To be honest, when I take time off I get a bit bored. I want to use my brain.

But where’s the line between not being able to rest and being restless? It’s not one I’ve been able to find quite yet.

This whole year I’ve felt like I’ve put my pacii away in a drawer, only to yank it out again, only for me to bury it deeper in my closet. As I close in on halfway through my year, I’m learning how to adjust and live more without it, but also not beating myself up for still feeling like I need to reach for it.

I never claimed to be good at this. I’m just a burnt out girl trying to figure it out. Maybe I, like other people, expected to go into this with a perfect game plan. But if I had known and accepted when I set out on this gap year project that it would be as jolting as being in the car with a first-time driver, I think I could have been kinder to myself as I inevitably navigated speed bumps. More than anything, I’d rather be someone who works through the speed bumps than someone who never approaches them.

xo,

Sam

PS. Today is the three year anniversary of my mom’s death (and also the three year anniversary of getting my book deal. Weird day!) It’s days like today where I think, “no wonder I just want to work.” The pain of her loss — especially how I lost her — is unimaginable and I’m not sure I’ll ever “recover” from it. But I don’t give myself enough credit for showing up everyday and doing my best, even if it’s not always the ‘right’ or ‘best’ thing to do in that moment. Sending love to all my grieving friends. Thank you for being here xo

ON DECK

Next week, I’m writing about quieting the noise of what’s going on around us (read: getting off social media) so we can actually hear what our true thoughts are. In order to find out who we really are, we have to stop seeing who everyone else is (and wants us to be). More next week!

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